note: the following entry is incredibly long, and i put a lot of work into writing this. read it only if you have a few hours of spare time or if you're that bored. enjoy!
so there i was, mindlessly just looking at various xangas, trying to look for something interesting to write about. of course, i realized i was in the wrong place to look for interesting topics. most xanga entries just contained long passages about "how my day was" from "today i woke up and brushed my teeth blah blah" to "then i hung out with (list of ridiculously long list of names) and we went to the mall to get coffee" and ending with "and then i took a shower and got ready to sleep. sooo exhausted! xoxo" or some other nonsense. in my moment of temporary frustration of spending so much time reading this stuff i deleted my xanga...and then i deleted my livejournal too. actually i deleted those a while ago, but that was because i didn't feel like reading long entries of basically nothing. anyways, i discovered this rather somewhat interesting list on someone's xanga. i think i've seen it appear in other areas, but i just never paid any attention to it. the title definitely grabbed my attention. in big bold capital letters (and bright color font) it stated:
1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
if you're a guy and reading this, ask yourself this question: have you ever ran around the house in your underwear? maybe before taking a shower, or if you can't find your pants and shirt that you were going to wear. but that usually lasts a few seconds. wow, do girls really do that? hold on, let me ask my sister... ... ...ok i can't find her, but i'm assuming she said "no". either that or she is in fact running around the house in her underwear.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
you know, if i was ever lucky to get with a girl, i think cheating on them would be the last thing on my mind. but besides that, notice how "girls tell each other everything about everything". this is to further emphasize how much girls really do tell each other stuff. if you're a girl and you're reading this, honestly ask yourself how much you keep from your sister/mom/best friend that's a girl. and besides, the guys who do cheat on girls wouldn't care about being "mud" anyways.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
this gave me a pretty good laugh. first though, i have to agree with the male relative part. provided that they're older, bigger, stronger, tougher, and live near by. all the other male relatives who are younger, smaller, weaker, and who live somewhere else...sorry...you'll get your chance to kick ass...probably never. the laughable part of number 3 is that it assumes that the girl's guy friends are sweet and compassionate kids who will defend their lady. because kicking ass is very chivalrous. oh wait i forgot. the girl is not interested in you anyways, she never was in the first place. she obviously likes the one you're beating up, because she's dating him. are you just hitting him because you're jealous or you're angry he stole the girl from you first? idiot.
4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
i hope that doesn't mean everytime we look at them we have to tell the girl that she's beautiful. seriously, that would be about every 5 seconds you're with her.
guy: you're beautiful
girl: awww thanks!
guy: ...you're so beautiful
girl: *giggle*
guy: ...so beautiful you are
girl: ...ok you're creeping me out now
5. DON'T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
two things: 1. what a way to objectify women. whenever you feel like it, just grab her and give her a nice smack on the lips in front of everyone to show how awesome you are. 2. your friends are laughing at you because you either make weird noises or you look retarded when kissing
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
yea if she does something wrong, and you yell at her, and she slaps you across the face, boy you better recognize cause you deserved it! ...this is so dumb
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
another great way to objectify woman. but then again, i'm pretty sure most of the time a girl needs a guy is to objectify them (hence being in their arms) or they're really just out for your wallet.
8. If you don't sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did.
that...wait, what?
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
uh...8.5? wtf. someone needs to count please! so a girl is allowed to tell other girls "everything about everything" and we have to keep our mouth shut for the whole time? something is not quite right here...
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
i'm almost sure that this list was written by a lonely guy who loves to think of girls as sex tools, or written by a girl with problems.
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
whales eat plankton...a lot of plankton...a lot of microscopic little things. that doesn't tell me how much a girl can eat! gah useless!
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..
well girls sure do tell "everything about everything" don't they? i think girls, especially the young ones, would want the guy to pay for everyhing. they have to save their money to buy stuff for themselves, like purses and makeup. you know, cause they don't have much money to pay for their own food. but guys do, we have tons of cash hidden in our pocket, ready to spend not only on our meal, but a girl's meal as well! guys have so much money it's possible to pay all the time. no problemo for dinero. what a great term to end it, by calling a guy "pussy" if they can't afford to do it every single time. meow
11. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
meeeowww!
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, ONE OF HIS SWEATSHIRTS, and a really PRETTY RING. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
are you kidding me? a "pretty ring"?! that sounds "pretty expensive" to me. one of my sweatshirts? i live in south florida. i don't even know what a sweatshirt is! wow, i am screwed. i think i'll have to buy a giant teddy bear to make up for it, because you know, i have a tree in my room that grows money every day.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
haha oh this brings back some memories. i remembered this one girl who would always want to go back to her dorm room at like 5 in the morning. oh yes, i walked her back to her dorm on the other side of the campus every night. yea, i'm such a gentleman. then i collapsed my fucking lung.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
hmm...you're right. if this guy who is really big and drunk and capable of doing dangerous things, i should really endanger myself and possibly get killed in hopes to make him stop bothering a girl.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, PULL YOUR girlfriend closer.
guy: hey friend girl A hows it going? this is my girlfriend B
girl A: hi nice to meet you!
guy: come here you! *yoinks girl B*
girl B: eeeek! you're squishing me!
girl A: uh...are you ok?
guy: oh she's fine lol
girl B: i...can't breathe!
yea i don't think that will work out to nicely
16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
i have a gesture for you. the ::pulls out gun and shoots you in the face repeatedly gesture::. oh, and the more civilized ::middle finger::
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
chick flicks = the bane of every guy's existence. unless it's "mean girls". i wouldn't mind watching that.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
"prince charming to their friends": out of fear of "getting your ass kicked" by the guys or "hitting on the other girls".
"Mr. Polite to their parents": if they have asian parents, you're most likely screwed. sorry kid
"nice to their animals": did this writer even take into consideration that a guy can be allergic or deathly afraid of dogs? or that hamsters smell like crap?
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
has anyone ever seen the movie "the graduate"? i heard that was a classic. but anyways, yea hitting on moms are bad. the dads might not be too happy. as if dating his daughter wasn't bad enough.
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
this almost sounds impossible. i think what girls should really do is tell their boyfriends when they're going to have pms, so the guy can hide himself in a bomb shelter and wait until it's over.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
no no i don't have a problem with the way they drive. i think they're just complete lunatics on the road and have no idea what they are doing. i definitely do like the way how they speed like crazy and throw things out their window as if it were mario kart.
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
is it really necessary to add the words "damn well"? i think it's time to reflect on some of the rather ridiculous statements this author has added. "you will be mud", "pussy", "damn hat", and others i don't care to remember.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
lies...if it's not nice and expensive, that means you're "cheap" and according to some people, a "pussy". meow
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
and i bet that guys would all wish that their boobs will hurt...all the time. but we'll probably get slapped and "deserve" it. oh if i meet whoever writes this, i'm really going to kick them in the face.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
"play fighting"? "wrestling"?! wow, that does sound rough. why would girls be doing these kinds of things anyways? oh i get it, he means "in bed". ahaha sneaky bastard. freak
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
*future job interview*
boss: so...do you remember your girlfriend's birthday?
guy: uh...what? no...i um
boss: i'm sorry...we're going to have to fire you
guy: i'm not even hired yet!
boss: you're basically screwed for life anyways
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
or you can just take a bath and wear clean clothes.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
everyone should see clone high episode 11 and listen what cleo says. she speaks for all girls. it went something like: "i wanted something a) expensive, b) bought, and c) not lovingly hand crafted!"
no seriously, girls just want expensive things. probably a few extra "pretty rings".
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt her more if you draw it out.
"hurt her more"? dude, what about the dude? did this author not think about the guy's feelings at all? as if a guy would really want to stay in a relationship that isn't going to last, because all guys are just that dumb. unless he plans on cheating anyways. i'm more and more convinced that this was written by a girl and not by a "guy with years of experience".
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
finally the last one. besides the fact that a nanosecond is virtually immeasurable, you can't even figure out if a girl trusts you, much less if you've lost that trust. unless trust means obeying her every command and basically being "whipped". yea i would definitely kill for that kind of power. with great power comes great responsibility...and privilege...and control...and getting yourself screwed over.
(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the mother F'ing best tips you could ever get!)
definitely written by a girl. guy with "years of experience" my ass. this most certainly was the "mother F'ing best tips" ever! more like this was the most mother F'ing retarded shit ever. no seriously, this is retarded.
this particular xanga entry continued with another list titled "What A Girl wants...But What Most Guys Won't Do Or Give." since i didn't want to continuously shoot myself in the face anymore , i decided not to put it up here on this blog. well there you have it, now all the guys will definitely understand what to do when they have a girlfriend...or when they're courting a lady...wait i don't get this anymore. come to think of it, i don't even know what i was writing about. oh well, hope you enjoyed this rather long blog entry of randomness. feel free to leave any kind of comments.
yours truly,
eric
so there i was, mindlessly just looking at various xangas, trying to look for something interesting to write about. of course, i realized i was in the wrong place to look for interesting topics. most xanga entries just contained long passages about "how my day was" from "today i woke up and brushed my teeth blah blah" to "then i hung out with (list of ridiculously long list of names) and we went to the mall to get coffee" and ending with "and then i took a shower and got ready to sleep. sooo exhausted! xoxo" or some other nonsense. in my moment of temporary frustration of spending so much time reading this stuff i deleted my xanga...and then i deleted my livejournal too. actually i deleted those a while ago, but that was because i didn't feel like reading long entries of basically nothing. anyways, i discovered this rather somewhat interesting list on someone's xanga. i think i've seen it appear in other areas, but i just never paid any attention to it. the title definitely grabbed my attention. in big bold capital letters (and bright color font) it stated:
THINGS GUYS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS: This was written by a guy who has had years of experience.
i didn't use the original bright color (i think it was pink or something) because i didn't want to blind anybody. well obviously, my curiosity got the better of me. for one, the title claimed that someone of the male species understood many things that needs to be known about the female species. also it appeared that this simple and understandable list will help increase my knowledge of the female psyche. they say that curiosity killed the cat, and after reading this list if i was such a cat, i probably would've killed myself. either this list was originally composed by a girl claiming herself to be a boy, in hopes that the boy she likes will read it and understand what to do for her, or it was probably written by a gay guy with lots of female friends. despite the mysterious origins of this list, this list probably gave me a huge headache at how utterly dumb it was. so dumb i think i be even stupider than before. hmm...the side effects are starting to show now. oh well, on with the list.1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
if you're a guy and reading this, ask yourself this question: have you ever ran around the house in your underwear? maybe before taking a shower, or if you can't find your pants and shirt that you were going to wear. but that usually lasts a few seconds. wow, do girls really do that? hold on, let me ask my sister... ... ...ok i can't find her, but i'm assuming she said "no". either that or she is in fact running around the house in her underwear.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
you know, if i was ever lucky to get with a girl, i think cheating on them would be the last thing on my mind. but besides that, notice how "girls tell each other everything about everything". this is to further emphasize how much girls really do tell each other stuff. if you're a girl and you're reading this, honestly ask yourself how much you keep from your sister/mom/best friend that's a girl. and besides, the guys who do cheat on girls wouldn't care about being "mud" anyways.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
this gave me a pretty good laugh. first though, i have to agree with the male relative part. provided that they're older, bigger, stronger, tougher, and live near by. all the other male relatives who are younger, smaller, weaker, and who live somewhere else...sorry...you'll get your chance to kick ass...probably never. the laughable part of number 3 is that it assumes that the girl's guy friends are sweet and compassionate kids who will defend their lady. because kicking ass is very chivalrous. oh wait i forgot. the girl is not interested in you anyways, she never was in the first place. she obviously likes the one you're beating up, because she's dating him. are you just hitting him because you're jealous or you're angry he stole the girl from you first? idiot.
4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
i hope that doesn't mean everytime we look at them we have to tell the girl that she's beautiful. seriously, that would be about every 5 seconds you're with her.
guy: you're beautiful
girl: awww thanks!
guy: ...you're so beautiful
girl: *giggle*
guy: ...so beautiful you are
girl: ...ok you're creeping me out now
5. DON'T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
two things: 1. what a way to objectify women. whenever you feel like it, just grab her and give her a nice smack on the lips in front of everyone to show how awesome you are. 2. your friends are laughing at you because you either make weird noises or you look retarded when kissing
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
yea if she does something wrong, and you yell at her, and she slaps you across the face, boy you better recognize cause you deserved it! ...this is so dumb
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
another great way to objectify woman. but then again, i'm pretty sure most of the time a girl needs a guy is to objectify them (hence being in their arms) or they're really just out for your wallet.
8. If you don't sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did.
that...wait, what?
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
uh...8.5? wtf. someone needs to count please! so a girl is allowed to tell other girls "everything about everything" and we have to keep our mouth shut for the whole time? something is not quite right here...
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
i'm almost sure that this list was written by a lonely guy who loves to think of girls as sex tools, or written by a girl with problems.
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
whales eat plankton...a lot of plankton...a lot of microscopic little things. that doesn't tell me how much a girl can eat! gah useless!
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..
well girls sure do tell "everything about everything" don't they? i think girls, especially the young ones, would want the guy to pay for everyhing. they have to save their money to buy stuff for themselves, like purses and makeup. you know, cause they don't have much money to pay for their own food. but guys do, we have tons of cash hidden in our pocket, ready to spend not only on our meal, but a girl's meal as well! guys have so much money it's possible to pay all the time. no problemo for dinero. what a great term to end it, by calling a guy "pussy" if they can't afford to do it every single time. meow
11. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
meeeowww!
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, ONE OF HIS SWEATSHIRTS, and a really PRETTY RING. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
are you kidding me? a "pretty ring"?! that sounds "pretty expensive" to me. one of my sweatshirts? i live in south florida. i don't even know what a sweatshirt is! wow, i am screwed. i think i'll have to buy a giant teddy bear to make up for it, because you know, i have a tree in my room that grows money every day.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
haha oh this brings back some memories. i remembered this one girl who would always want to go back to her dorm room at like 5 in the morning. oh yes, i walked her back to her dorm on the other side of the campus every night. yea, i'm such a gentleman. then i collapsed my fucking lung.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
hmm...you're right. if this guy who is really big and drunk and capable of doing dangerous things, i should really endanger myself and possibly get killed in hopes to make him stop bothering a girl.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, PULL YOUR girlfriend closer.
guy: hey friend girl A hows it going? this is my girlfriend B
girl A: hi nice to meet you!
guy: come here you! *yoinks girl B*
girl B: eeeek! you're squishing me!
girl A: uh...are you ok?
guy: oh she's fine lol
girl B: i...can't breathe!
yea i don't think that will work out to nicely
16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
i have a gesture for you. the ::pulls out gun and shoots you in the face repeatedly gesture::. oh, and the more civilized ::middle finger::
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
chick flicks = the bane of every guy's existence. unless it's "mean girls". i wouldn't mind watching that.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
"prince charming to their friends": out of fear of "getting your ass kicked" by the guys or "hitting on the other girls".
"Mr. Polite to their parents": if they have asian parents, you're most likely screwed. sorry kid
"nice to their animals": did this writer even take into consideration that a guy can be allergic or deathly afraid of dogs? or that hamsters smell like crap?
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
has anyone ever seen the movie "the graduate"? i heard that was a classic. but anyways, yea hitting on moms are bad. the dads might not be too happy. as if dating his daughter wasn't bad enough.
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
this almost sounds impossible. i think what girls should really do is tell their boyfriends when they're going to have pms, so the guy can hide himself in a bomb shelter and wait until it's over.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
no no i don't have a problem with the way they drive. i think they're just complete lunatics on the road and have no idea what they are doing. i definitely do like the way how they speed like crazy and throw things out their window as if it were mario kart.
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
is it really necessary to add the words "damn well"? i think it's time to reflect on some of the rather ridiculous statements this author has added. "you will be mud", "pussy", "damn hat", and others i don't care to remember.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
lies...if it's not nice and expensive, that means you're "cheap" and according to some people, a "pussy". meow
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
and i bet that guys would all wish that their boobs will hurt...all the time. but we'll probably get slapped and "deserve" it. oh if i meet whoever writes this, i'm really going to kick them in the face.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
"play fighting"? "wrestling"?! wow, that does sound rough. why would girls be doing these kinds of things anyways? oh i get it, he means "in bed". ahaha sneaky bastard. freak
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
*future job interview*
boss: so...do you remember your girlfriend's birthday?
guy: uh...what? no...i um
boss: i'm sorry...we're going to have to fire you
guy: i'm not even hired yet!
boss: you're basically screwed for life anyways
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
or you can just take a bath and wear clean clothes.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
everyone should see clone high episode 11 and listen what cleo says. she speaks for all girls. it went something like: "i wanted something a) expensive, b) bought, and c) not lovingly hand crafted!"
no seriously, girls just want expensive things. probably a few extra "pretty rings".
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt her more if you draw it out.
"hurt her more"? dude, what about the dude? did this author not think about the guy's feelings at all? as if a guy would really want to stay in a relationship that isn't going to last, because all guys are just that dumb. unless he plans on cheating anyways. i'm more and more convinced that this was written by a girl and not by a "guy with years of experience".
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
finally the last one. besides the fact that a nanosecond is virtually immeasurable, you can't even figure out if a girl trusts you, much less if you've lost that trust. unless trust means obeying her every command and basically being "whipped". yea i would definitely kill for that kind of power. with great power comes great responsibility...and privilege...and control...and getting yourself screwed over.
(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the mother F'ing best tips you could ever get!)
definitely written by a girl. guy with "years of experience" my ass. this most certainly was the "mother F'ing best tips" ever! more like this was the most mother F'ing retarded shit ever. no seriously, this is retarded.
this particular xanga entry continued with another list titled "What A Girl wants...But What Most Guys Won't Do Or Give." since i didn't want to continuously shoot myself in the face anymore , i decided not to put it up here on this blog. well there you have it, now all the guys will definitely understand what to do when they have a girlfriend...or when they're courting a lady...wait i don't get this anymore. come to think of it, i don't even know what i was writing about. oh well, hope you enjoyed this rather long blog entry of randomness. feel free to leave any kind of comments.
yours truly,
eric
5 comments:
hahahahahahaha i love your comments btw
How can you say this list is bad when you've only applied it to guys? =D
man, your comments were hilarious, lol
http://www.explosm.net/comics/584/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0yI2MQf8Tk&search=lazytown%20pirate
Post a Comment